In Kind on Monday: Honoring—and Supporting—Children as They Grow
Explore our interview with True Botanicals' Hillary Peterson, plus plenty of good stuff we're loving (including some included in the holiday sales!).
Hands
Words by Leah Melby Clinton
Actions speak louder than words, and the little movement that’s made my breath catch most recently has been the sight of my child’s hand reaching out to me. It’s done instinctually, without thinking, and different from the dozens of times throughout the day when he spots me and remembers he wants more milk or a snack or to go outside.
With this nearly imperceptible reach, he doesn’t have eyes on me. There might be a quiet sound issued with it, or not. Neither are important. He’s reaching out a hand for security and as a touchstone, not questioning that he’ll find the answer right where he expects while he takes a particularly steep step down or wades into a pool that’s still brand new.
It’s a movement directed straight from the subconscious. He doesn’t even realize I’m there, yet he knows I am.
It’s nothing we teach our children, at least when they’re still so young. It’s inherent in the relationship we’ve forged since their very first day on Earth—the “first heartbond of one’s life."
My mother is there.
I never explained to him that I’d be behind or beside. I didn’t need to coax or cajole or comfort him into taking the step or trying the thing. The reach I’m talking about happens a dozen times throughout the day, during small actions that aren’t anything to speak of and and bigger ones alike.
Perhaps that unquestioning reach goes away as they grow. Perhaps it’s a bedrock of parenting: needing to remind and explain and remind again that we’re always there should they need to reach out a hand.
The world and real life might erode some of their trust in it—they wise up to the fact that everyone’s fallible and that it’s an impossibility that a single human can always be right there, physically next to you should you need a hand. Maybe we’ll also let our guards down as they grow. We’ll become less vigilant as the dangers change, as we no longer have an eye constantly scanning for ledges and steps and unfamiliar territory.
We’ll know to give them the independence to grow and spread wings.
All of that can be true, yet the DNA-deep reach will never be erased. Nor should it.
My greatest goal as a mother is to have them know, for the rest of their life, that if they reach out a hand, they will find me.
Explore the print magazine for more essays like this.
All I want to do is dress for summer.
I spent a recent girls’ trip obsessing over this hat when I found it in a boutique. The only trouble was deciding on the right color. I landed on the navy, but now I want this sunshine-y yellow, too. I’m wearing mine nonstop—the perfect no-fuss summer outfit-maker.
I fell in love with Alaia’s gingham skirt, but it was a splurge I just could not justify. After hunting for something similar, I landed on this full skirt and immediately clicked “add to cart.” It should arrive just in time to wear with my favorite white tank for the Fourth of July.
I’ve bought three of these suits and keep coming back to them. They’re stretchy and comfy—and most importantly, maybe, flattering—and come in these statement-y bright colors that look fantastic with a tan.
I’ve been reevaluating my skincare in an effort to streamline what I’m packing for an upcoming trip. I’ve made plenty of concessions and decided against schlepping more than I need; but I can’t get enough of this face oil. It is my most-used product—I slather it on morning and night and love the glow it gives my skin, so I hardly feel like I need any makeup.
Come summer, my kids are barefoot whenever possible, which makes these the preferred footwear in our house for when they have to wear shoes. They’re waterproof, but they’re not sandals, which makes them easier to run around in, and they’re lightweight, so you can stash them in your tote without weighing your whole bag down. Huge. xHannah
This little white dress is popping up in 4th of July sales, and it’s so good.
The white-dress section of my closet is stuffed. It’s something about how they’re so classic and easy that makes me unable to get enough.
This one landed on my radar during a search for v-waisted silhouettes. I wore it with jackets and sweaters in early spring before transitioning to sandals, and I’ve fallen a little bit more in love each time I pull it out of the closet (a mom at drop-off complimented it the morning of this pic, hence the selfie).
I went down a size (I’m normally a 4 but opted for a 2 here) because I’m not busty and wanted the fit snug enough to go bra-less. Importantly, this dress is lined (so no need for my trusty slip), and the straps can be adjusted via button closures, a nice nod for making the fit feel more personalized.
Accessory-wise, I’m wearing my favorite slim March Hare watch (the brand was one of our first-ever partners—they helped support issue no. 8, and I have loved shouting about them ever since); you can get 20 percent off your purchase with code INKIND.
My necklace is a customizable Ariel Gordon piece I bought during a sale years ago. I’ve been wearing it on repeat recently—you can’t beat solid gold during the summer, both for the glint and how you can wear without stressing over sunscreen, water, etc. (that statement might make Ariel and any other jeweler cringe, but it’s honestly how I think about my jewelry during these messy, sticky months). xLeah
P.S. The same style is also available as a bracelet.
Every good conversation starts with a single question. Whether it's wondering how, why, or what, it's the place we jump off from—and into the moments where all the good stuff happens.
As part of a story in issue no. 8, we spoke to True Botanicals’ Founder Hillary Peterson about the lessons she learned raising her daughters—how she navigated the tough stuff and, most importantly, her philosophy through it all.
Hannah: I'm always eager to learn from women a few steps ahead of me who have been through these phases and have wonderful relationships with their children—your kids still want to hang out with you. That's such a sign of successful parenting, when you have kids who want to come home and be with you and connect with you. I'm always thinking about how we do that.
Raising girls is tricky. There's a lot of outside influence, and I think about the things I grew up with and my own relationship with my mother and media and friends and peer groups.
It's obviously impossible to distill an entire relationship, but have you had any kind of unofficial philosophy in raising your daughters?
Hillary: Gosh, my unofficial philosophy in raising my daughters would have to be tied to my commitment to really honoring who they are individually at each stage.
It started when my oldest was little. She had these adorable outfits, and I couldn't wait to put them all together and just have fun. And as soon as she could express [herself], she was wanting to mix it up, and that was an early opportunity to be like, “Yeah, whatever. Great. Mix it up.”
From that very early age, honoring her personal expression [was important]. She's very creative. She writes beautiful poetry, and she works in journalism. Figuring out how to honor her uniqueness was really important very early on—empowering her to make sure she had what she needed, when she needed it.
Honoring each of their uniqueness has been at the core of a really lovely relationship, and they do love to come home. That is so rewarding for my husband and me—nothing is more fun than having our kids around. And so I am grateful that we have the kind of relationship where, if anything, sometimes they'll ask me for my opinion and I'll say, “Oh, sweetie, you’ve got to just dig deep and figure out what that answer is for you, because I just can't weigh in on that.” And they'll be, “Oh, come on. I want you to.” That's a huge shift from what things were like when I was being raised and how it's been for them.
Right. And it's a hard shift as a parent. What I'm finding is that all you do is make decisions for your little tiny, tiny children. And now I have a 6-year-old who has all these opinions and is so ready to express herself, and sometimes it surprises me: “Oh my gosh, yes, you are your own person. Totally.” What can I do to honor that more? What can I do to support that more?
I totally agree. I found that I can create an impact by modeling whatever it is that's happening at home, and then they're going to take it from there.
So something as simple as drinking and driving—it's not a very sexy topic, but it's interesting. I went to a lecture when the kids were all little, and I thought what the guy said was incredibly powerful. I applied it to all areas of parenting—young adults, middle schoolers, even in elementary.
My little one was really little then, and he just said, “If you don't want your kids to drink and drive, don't drink and drive.” So what that means is when you're out to dinner and one of you has driven and you have one beverage, then you have a conversation in front of them: “Hey, you know what I'm thinking? I might have a second beer, so would you like to drive home?”
What is so powerful is just understanding that how you choose to live your life is actually going to be the largest influence on your children. Our kids are very excited about their careers and really motivated, and I don't think we told them, “You’ve got to work hard.” It's because they saw us working hard and loving what we did.
My parents were entrepreneurial, and I'm a passionate entrepreneur, and people have said, “Well, how did you start, and why did you think that you could be successful?” I was surrounded by entrepreneurs, so I felt like that's what you do. With the kids, honoring them was learning to honor myself.
That's so true and such a good reminder.
A packed schedule is not a great example for my children. I always thought it was being productive, but I realized that wasn't a great example at all. When you were just talking about your daughter and seeing how she's individuating, if you have a packed schedule, that can become very inconvenient.
If I look back, I definitely would have created more space in my schedule, but it's a lot to ask.
Yeah, it's hard.
What presented the biggest challenge while you were raising your daughters, whether it was a specific age that you found most challenging or a time period for you because of what you had going on career wise?
I would say the middle of high school, really individuating and looking at me and just thinking, “Ew.” And I remember that as my mom aged. They just did not think I was very cool or interesting, and they did not think I knew anything about anything. I was uncool and maybe not all that lovable to them at that moment, even though, of course, they completely love me. And I only bring that up because it was actually sad and hard.
I was so glad to have my husband who still felt the same about me, and it's an opportunity to really love yourself. How they're feeling is completely normal.
There's been glimpses where I'm driving carpool, and all of a sudden I'm like, “Oh my gosh, you don't even care if I'm here.” I don't exist. It's hard not to have an ego attached to it—I was the center of their whole universe, and now, I’m the Uber driver.
You just used the phrase “center of the universe”. That's the phrase—when you said it, it was in my mind. We're the center of their universe and their beloved moms. And then there's so many phases you go through where you're not supposed to be that for them, actually. Their friends become so important.
All I can say is that honoring that natural evolution, as painful as it was at points, has led to a place where we enjoy each other so much, and they love hanging out with us. And I have to imagine that part of why we enjoy each other so much is that there's always been a lot of space for them to be themselves, even if we're there. And that can be hard to do.
It does just always come back to honoring that individual, that beautiful soul that is constantly emerging
If you're always operating from that sort of viewpoint—that's your goal with everything. It gives you a bigger picture of what's at stake if you start to hold on to these things that are really for them to decide.
And they can be our biggest teachers.
If I could go back, I know I would be so much better at asking them questions—just the simple phrase, “Tell me more.” And that comes back to whether there's enough space in the day to do that.
I think I will be such a different grandmother in that way. I mean, to give myself a break, I was building a company, I was raising children. There was a lot.
I'm curious what activities, traditions, or specific rituals you have with your daughters that you've kept over the years. Are there any things that you do together that have kept you close?
Definitely. Certainly it started with walks around the neighborhood. Those turned into hikes. We hike a lot, and when they come home, that's what we do. It's so incredible the conversations that we can have when we're just out there putting one foot in front of the other and soaking up all that great energy and talking.
And I love to cook so much, and my mom loved to cook, and now both my daughters really love to cook. Cooking has always been—even during that tough phase in high school—cooking's always been something we've loved to do together.
We all have things we hope for our children, for our daughters. Do you have anything you hope she does for herself? And then also what do you hope that they know about you as their mother?
I can hardly spit the second one out without crying, just because it's such a profound, deep feeling that there is nothing in my life that has brought me more joy than being their mother. Nothing even comes close.
From the time I was a little girl, I was obsessed with babies, and I knew I wanted to be a mom. I knew before I could have possibly even been thinking about that. I know I wasn't a perfect mom, and yet I also know that I just brought my deepest love to that incredible opportunity, and I can't imagine anything that would ever be more rewarding than raising my children.
[For my children], it probably ties to what I thought was so important as they were growing up, which is that they can know themselves, their truest, deepest selves, and to try to stay in touch with that essence throughout their lives and to honor and live from that place, because there's really nothing more special than who they truly are.
It is interesting out there in the world how sometimes other things can seem more important, and they just aren't. And I feel like if they can move from that place again, once they have their own children someday—what better gift could you give a child than to be able to love them from that place and live from that place?