What Centers You? Those Are Your Nonnegotiables
Ariel Okin shares how she prioritizes, calendar blocks, and makes room for what really matters.
Every good conversation starts with a single question. Whether it's wondering how, why, or what, it's the place we jump off from—and into the moments where all the good stuff happens.
In advance of the Fenimore Lane Design Summit happening this Saturday, interior designer reflects on her latest career building block with Leah (and doles out some stellar advice on parenting and nonnegotiables).
Leah: A Real Housewife I interviewed once described your career as a mosaic, where we’re constantly adding new tiles. When you reflect on what you’ve built so far in light of the upcoming design summit, what do you see? How does it feel?
Ariel: I went to undergraduate for journalism, so the thread of editorial has always been there. I started
during Covid, because the outlets that I typically write for, like Vogue and AD, weren’t taking pitches, and I still wanted to write. There wasn’t a way for me to get my stories out there without starting my own thing. Fenimore Lane was born out of that.It was interesting to see what people gravitated toward on the site, and Talk Shop was by and large the fan-favorite. I think people find it interesting to see how other creatives in the interior world got their start, how they run their business, and what they get inspired by—frank conversations with people in the industry about how they do what they do and how they got there.
The podcast seemed like a natural next step, because it took some of the most interesting conversations we were having online and expanded them to a one-on-one conversation with me. I wanted that to feel like you were listening in on a dinner party with friends. Around the same time I started noodling: This feels great, [making] something online feel a bit more multidimensional. You can hear our voices and get to know us better in that way. What would it be like if we turned it into something fully physical?
I was having lunch with Callie Stanton, a really brilliant marketing [exec] at Auberge who’s a friend, and we were walking about in-person experiences and how they do them so well. I said, “What if we did something that brought interiors to one of the properties?” We immediately thought about the Mayflower because its DNA is design.
Amazing!
We started spinning from there. In the Northeast there are a ton of great fairs, like shopping markets that are fantastic, but none of them have programing for the trade and for the consumer—there’s a lot of angles this in-person manifestation could take.
We wanted it to feel like a weekend away at your friend’s country house who has really great taste and who planned the best itinerary of events for the weekend, with like-minded design enthusiasts who are there to shop and have fun and learn. That’s where it came from.
It’s been 18 months in the work—almost two years of planning. It came together over time and made a lot of sense when we approached it with the question of: What does it look like when we bring Fenimore Lane out of the digital sphere and into an in-person experience?
This felt like if Fenimore Lane were someone’s home, and you were having people for the weekend. This is what it would be.
It sounds absolutely magical and so special.
You balanced organizing the summit and Fenimore Lane alongside Ariel Okin Interiors, and I assume you get the question often: “How do you do it all?”
What’s your stance on and approach to balance?
It’s important to stay organized in a way that makes sense for you. I am not a morning person, and I know that I’m not. So often my most productive time of the day is when my kids are asleep from 8:00 to midnight. I will sit at my table and get a lot of flow-state type of work done.
Often during the day I’m in back-to-back meetings. A lot of my thinking and long-form emails and my writing I do at night because no one interrupts me. It takes a toll on my sleep, which isn’t great, but oftentimes my husband will get the girls on the weekend. It’s give and take.
You can't do anything in a silo. I am so lucky that I have an incredible team—I literally would not be able to do anything without them. They are so organized, capable, and empowered to make decisions without having to consult me for every little detail. I trust them implicitly, and we’ve created a lot of processes to make everything flow.
I do a lot of calendar blocks. I have my nonnegotiables. I work out at least three times a week and don’t book anything during those times; I get acupuncture twice a month, and I never move those. Those are non-negotiable for me. I don't have any meetings on Thursdays. I make that a no-meeting day so I can get through my inbox and all of the computer work and admin I have to do.
It’s so important to hear women talk openly about working at night or on the weekends, so thank you for being honest. I think we’re all suspicious of or aware that it’s required if you really want to take some big swings and strides, but when we don’t see it, it’s easy to forget.
It’s a lot of hours, and I am constantly thinking about my job. In a good way—I love what I do, and I'm always thinking about what we’re working on.
Sometimes I have a thought in the shower, but I have mom brain and my mind is like a sieve, so if I don't get out of the shower, write it down on my phone, and get back in the shower, I'll lose it. It can be something as benign as ‘remember to book a babysitter for Saturday’—I have to email myself or put it in my reminder app immediately, or I’ll forget it or never check it off my list.
I email myself stuff all the time. I keep a notebook next to my bed, and if I can’t fall asleep at 1:00 a.m. I brain dump and take a photo and email it to myself. I'm really awake at night; I function best from 8 to 10 or 11. I get a lot of good work right before my kids start dinner time, and I make it a point to shut my laptop and sit with them.
One of the beautiful things about being you own boss is that you can make your own schedule. If you're doing a workout and drop-off and can’t get started until 1:00, I have to make up those hours on the backend. As kooky as that sounds, that’s what works for me.
There’s so much chatter about how “having it all” is a net negative, but I like the conversation around reframing what “it all” means—that you can have it all, so long as you’re clear on defining your “all” and know that it might be having categories not ramped at 100 percent.
“Having it all” is such a dangerous term for moms, because it puts so much pressure on us to get those workouts in and drink the right amount of water in a week. Are you using your gratitude journal? Are you taking a walk with your friend ? It adds to your mental checklist.
You have to align internally and figure out your nonnegotiables. If you can get to your top three in a week, that’s wonderful—and it changes day to day. Some days my nonnegotiable is taking my daughter to ballet, because they're doing the parent preview. Some days I’m not, because I have a meeting at that time and nothing exciting is happening at ballet, so I'm not going.
Can you talk more about nonnegotiables? I think it’s easy to say you’ll have them, but then someone invariably says, “Hey, this is the only time that works for this thing—can you do it?” and you say, “Okay, sure…”.
All of a sudden, they’re negotiable.
Certain things are extremely necessary for me. I need acupuncture to be grounded, for my back to feel good. I need that, so I will not make a meeting during that time, ever.
For bedtime, I don’t like missing it, because it’s really the time of day when I get to hear what’s going on in my kids’ lives and what they did at school that day. It’s very rare that I’ll go to an event at night unless it’s something that I feel incredibly strongly that I need to be at.
You have to get really clear on the things you’ll miss doing. With working out, I’ll be flexible. As long as I can get three in during the week, it doesn’t matter when it is. I usually work out on Friday, but I have a breast cancer research foundation event I wanted to go to. That’s very important for me, so I’m going, and I worked out other times this week.
But certain things that make me feel centered as a human are the ones I need to do.
Trying to find any sort of balance between work your love and children is so hard.
It’s really hard. As my kids got older, it got easier because I saw a positive. When your kids are zero to two you’re not getting a ton of emotional feedback from them; you're not hearing about their day.
Once they hit three, bedtime is colossal for them. You pick them up from school, and they tell you nothing. Bedtime comes, and they’re telling you everything that ever happened to them, every thought. It’s so important for me and my relationship with my kids—I get so much from them [at bedtime] that I don’t get in the 15 minutes of pickup.
I know exactly what you mean. When we get home from pickup, I’m trying to be “on” as Mom, but my 4-year-old just wants to sit and watch TV. Yet lo and behold, when bedtime rolls around she wants to play creative games, tell me imaginary stories—everything. And I’m just ready to wind it up and get back to work or my own stuff.
It’s really true. When they’re at school all day, their brains are working so hard. They’re tired—when they get home they need to veg. That’s a lot for them. They don’t want to talk to anyone when they get home, but then bedtime comes, and they’ve had this restorative moment
My daughter fights bedtime every night and part of her way of delaying is, ‘I’m going to tell you everything that happened today.’ I love it. But like you said, I’m ready to start my time, and it’s like an hour-long conversation: “Sarah told me this, then this happened…”
This might be the best parenting advice I’ve gotten all year—to change my expectations and fit in some emailing while she’s mindlessly watching TV before dinner. That way I can soak up the conversations and beautiful silliness right before bed.
Thank you for that—and congratulations on the summit!
Fresh blue and white stripes and sundresses for the kids, because it feels like summer…
I had been pretty resigned to a couple of swimsuit brands that made comfortable, if not predictable, one-pieces. I ordered this one on a whim for an upcoming trip, drawn mostly to the blue and white stripes, though the suit is actually reversible with a beautiful print on the other side, too. It’s really two swimsuits in one! And it’s just the right fit to hold you in with sexier side-detailing than I’m used to, but I think I’m into it.
I’m a big fan of the SF-based brand Oso and Me, thanks to its sweet-looking pieces that are equally wearable. They’re all designed so your kids can live and play in them, and so you can throw them in the wash afterwards, too. Everything is adorable and well-made, but not too precious. I suspect my girls will be living in these little apron dresses come summer.
I’ve been hunting for a good and packable beach bag. The kind that doesn’t take up too much room, and you don’t have to use as your carry-on on the plane. I landed on Loeffler Randall’s crochet version. The stripes sold me yet again, but it’s also a perfect size for toting all the essentials.
Nothing perks up an outfit faster than a wrist stacked with Roxanne Assoulin’s custom bracelets. I have them with each of my daughters’ names, and I’m eying a couple more to round out my set for summer with a few key phrases.
Summer calls for a sneaker that’s durable, but easy. The kind that can hang on the beach or a city walk, and looks good with cutoffs or a dress. This is the pair I come back to again and again because it does all of the above.—HWM
We’re sharing more of the things we love on ShopMy—come find us there! xx
Exploring Another Kind of Ambition
What happens if we redefine “ambition” and give ourselves infinite ways to grow. Words by Hannah Weil McKinley
I don’t think I’ve ever been ambitious in the way I know some people are. The way some women I know had a career path mapped out in the early days of adulthood, or even as children, marking the milestones and the titles they’d hit and the many great things they’d do.
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